How do you feed 8 people on a nice spring day? Throw a bunch of meat on the grill, wait till it turns black and then serve it up to some unsuspecting victims friends. NO. Let’s not do that. Instead, let’s get a big a** pan, throw a bunch of stuff IN the pan, and then serve it up to some unwilling victims of your favorite people.

What and how much stuff should we put in it? Don’t worry about it. Just relax: it’s Father’s Day. These things will take care of themselves. Like these ingredients, I didn’t really bother to measure any of them. Skip to the pictures if you want.

What you may or may not need:

  • A big a** paella pan
    • Since the one I got (17″ woah) was carbon steel, I had to season it by using the stove and lard (yeah, that’s right). Spread a thin layer on the pan and apply directly on the forehead a hot stove. The fat will polymerize over the high heat and create a non-stick surface. This is more or less the same process you would use to season a cast iron skillet. (let me google that for you)
  • A grill since the pan won’t fit in the oven and it’s easier to cook on the grill.
  • Cooking utensils (spatulas, etc.). If you don’t have these, just skip straight to the pictures.

Ingredients (in order of hitting the pan):

  • Cooking oil. Again, if you don’t have any, just skip to the pictures.
  • Chorizo (spicy if you can handle it)
  • Onions
  • Garlic
  • Parsley
  • Rice
  • Chicken broth
  • Saffron (or melange if you have any)
  • Clams
  • Mussels
  • Peas
  • Shrimp
  • Peppers (of the bell variety or similar)

You can add other stuff to it as well, like scallops, calamari, chicken, etc. No scallops were used because they looked pretty sad at the store. They really need to just find something that makes them happy and pursue that to escape the mundanity of everyday life.

Do it:

The process is very similar to making risotto. Things are also cooked in order of cooking times and how well the ingredient withstands heat. The basic order for today is:

Prep:

  1. Chop up garlic and onions.
  2. Cut peppers.
  3. Slice chorizo.
  4. Peel and devein the shrimp.
  5. Wash clams and mussels.
  6. Steep saffron

Cook:

  1. Oil the pan.
  2. Cook chorizo to render the fat.
  3. Remove the chorizo.
  4. Add and sautee the onions, garlic and parsley.
  5. Add and sautee the rice.
  6. Add cooked chorizo, clams and mussels
  7. Add peas
  8. Add shrimp
  9. Add peppers
  10. fin.

Pictures:

Peeeeeel the garlic

Choooooop the onions

Garlic

Peppers

The most expensive spice in the whole wide world

So if I’m slicing the chorizo, who was taking the picture? Aliens.

A new technique I just learned.

Saffron tea

All the shellfish

Step 1: Brown the chorizo

Step 2: Sautee onions, garlic, and parsley

Step 3: Sautee the rice

Step 4: Add chicken broth and saffron liquid

Step 5: Add clams and mussels. That’s a lot of stuff.

Step 6: Peas. Wait, there’s more?

Step 7: Shrimps. Wait, there’s more?

Mix it up. But I can’t. Not with that attitude.

Step 8: Peppers. Wait, there’s more? I think we’re out of step. Don’t worry about it. These things will take care of themselves.

Are we done? I think we’re done.

Now eat it for days. Literally.

fin.

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